I’ve been watching Wandavision (slight spoiler ahead), and its commentary on grieving is very interesting.
So far, we have learned that Wanda created this entire TV land to escape the reality that Vision is dead. In the most recent episodes, Wanda is confronted by others that she needs to face her grief and her “truth.”
I think there are a lot of misconceptions about grief, and I know I’m not the first to notice we don’t have the healthiest ways to deal with it.
In fact, most of us do what Wanda does: we refuse to process and deal with our grief.
There’s a lot to grieve right now: missing friends and family, important events, and a loss of freedom. Some are grieving loss of loved ones due to CoVid or other reasons.
While it is unpopular, grief is not the enemy. It is part of how we need to process our experience, and there are healthy ways to deal with it.
The Grief Recovery Handbook
One of the books I’ve found helpful to help me process my grief, especially when my dad died a couple of years ago, was The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman.
One of the most enlightening things in that book was learning that the “five stages of grief” were not meant to be applied to grief.
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified emotional stages that a personal with a terminal illness might go through before they die: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
These stages were not studied and observed in people grieving the death of a loved one, yet people commonly try to apply them to that scenario.
Grieving is Different for Everyone
One of the main points the authors emphasize is that grieving is going to look different for everyone because the relationship will be different.
Siblings who have lost a parent are going to grieve differently because they had a completely different relationship with the parent. Two people who have lost a pet are not going to have the same grieving experience as each other.
Each person needs to do their own work of sorting through their feelings, practicing self-care and identifying the boundaries they need.
Making Your Grief Complete
The authors also emphasize the need to complete your grief, and they guide you through a process they have successfully used in grief recovery programs.
Basically, you end up going over a history of your relationship with the person, pet, event, etc. and all the good and bad. You process your emotions and recognize what you are actually losing. You also recognize what you can be thankful for.
It was a good exercise for me, and I can recommend this book to those who are grieving. Sometimes we need to escape for a while and need a distraction from the work, but I think it’s important for everyone to process their grief. It can be a very healing process and you can learn a lot about yourself.
On a Personal Note
One thing I personally had to do in the grieving process was learn how to feel my anger and yet get to a place of true forgiveness.
You can’t skip that first step if you want to get to the second. When we try to forgive before emotionally processing things, you end up with denial. This is not a denial that the person is dead, but rather a denial of your feelings by not facing them.
Grieving is a natural, human process and I think we generally need to make more room for ourselves and others to be able to do that. We don’t need to fix it, and it doesn’t help to ignore it: instead, we need to heal by finding healthy ways to walk through it.
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