Facing Shame: Families in Recovery is an intense book. Some of the case studies they discuss could be triggering for some (which is why I’ve not included them in this post).
This book was written by two family therapists, Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason, one of whom is the co-founder of the Family Therapy Institute in St. Paul, Minnesota.
This book is intended for practicing physicians–which I am not–but I decided to read it because:
- I wanted to better understand the system of my shame-based family of origin and how to break free from those patterns.
- I want to help people, especially in the church, to recognize and move from unhealthy shame-based patterns to healthier ones.
The main thrust of this book is that individuals in shame-based family systems need to do a lot of work to become more respectful and healthy.
The Addiction is the Not the Problem
At the risk of being controversial, this book reveals what I have long suspected: the addiction is not the real problem. What I mean is that there is a whole supporting system behind addiction, full of false beliefs and harmful, ingrained patterns of behavior. The authors share their discovery of this:
“Early in our learning we thought we were dealing with distinctly different problems–one family having a problem with alcohol abuse, another with compulsivity around money, and another with physical abuse. The separate family patterns came together in a pattern, a template of shame.”
Facing Shame, p. 7
What they discovered is that an unhealthy system develops around a person with an addiction, and the unhealthy patterns of shame are passed down the family line no matter if the addiction is or not.
Guilt Vs. Shame
I think the authors could have clarified that the type of shame they are talking about is unhealthy shame, which is not based in reality. Instead, they lump all shame together.
Here is their full definition of shame:
“Shame is an inner sense of bring completely diminished or insufficient as a person. It is the self judging the self. A moment of shame may be humiliation so painful or an indignity so profound that one feels one has been robbed of her or his dignity or exposed as basically inadequate, bad, or worthy of rejection. A pervasive sense of shame is the ongoing premise that one is fundamentally bad, inadequate, defective, unworthy, or not fully valid as a human being.”
(Facing Shame, p.5)
The authors attempt to differentiate feelings of guilt, which they define as, “the inner experience of breaking the moral code,” and shame, which is ” the inner experience of being looked down upon by the social group (vii).” They describe shame as a devouring monster, from which we must break free.
My personal opinion is not all shame is bad. Sure, it feels bad, but there are things for which we should feel shame. If you commit murder, you should feel shame! And, yes, society should shame murderers! I will talk about this good use of shame for moral formation in a post about the book Defending Shame.
Unhealthy Shame is Self-Perpetuating
Once a shame-based family is constructed, it is much harder to undo it. Why? because the shame becomes somewhat self-perpetuating. People living in the shame-based system become dependent on it, and will defend it and lash out at those who try to attack it.
The authors discuss the development of a false self in a shame-based system. Each person has a role to play, like in a sitcom. Stepping outside that role and revealing your true self breaks the family rules. The sad thing is, this system does not allow for any true intimacy to take place, as each person’s true self becomes buried. I know from personal experience it takes a lot of learning and practice to show up as your genuine self.
Developing Boundaries
This book dealt with learning how to establish healthy boundaries, too, as these are often blurred in shame-based family systems.
I liked the zipper metaphor they used to describe the regulation of boundaries.
Basically, we have two zippers: an internal and an external one. When we are enslaved to unhealthy patterns of shame, another person can come up, unzip us and take whatever they want.
When we learn how to manage our internal zipper, we can maintain our boundaries and self respect no matter what someone else is trying to do to us. This is key to combating unhealthy patterns of shame.
Who Should Read This Book
Like I said, this book is meant for family therapists, but I think it is applicable for anyone who works with families (social workers, ministers, etc.). It can also be used for personal work if you come from a shame-based family system.
You may come from a shame-based family if:
- There are family secrets no one is supposed to talk about (though this might never be explicitly stated).
- Family relationships always feel thin and brittle.
- Your family system clings to a certain time period or version of the people in it. It is inflexible and unwilling to change.
- There are vague boundaries.
- Perfection is demanded.
- Individuals are disrespected and violated frequently (this will happen on rare occasions in a healthy system).
- Anyone in the family was abused.
- Anyone in the family struggles with addiction (even if it was your great-grandpa!).
I hope this is helpful to someone out there. Shame is not the most fun topic to think about and discuss, but I think it is an important one that we all need to address at some point.
Classic Reads 